I know what it is to be in the darkest place of disease and neglect, even feeling abandonment from God and everyone around. I know what it is to be in a body that is all working wrong not being able to know what is causing it nor how to fix it or at least, how to get some relief. I know what it is to be in the sickest condition ever and instead of a little recovery, always getting worse and even having something new, different, harder and scarier every day. I also know what it is to be isolated and rejected and mistreated and hopeless, and not finding words, lights nor a single drop of God to hold on to… and I know that in these moments of desperation not even words, smiles or hugs can make a difference either; the darkness is so deep and the lack of hope is so intense there is no remedy. I learned that a tad of recovery, just a little bit of wellness, or a tiny drop of a physical or mental good feeling would push me to try to smile, in spite of the paralysis in one side of the face, but as an act to illustrate that a glimpse of hope had arisen. I learned that making that crooked smile might one day will bring me a “real smile” that could diminish my fears and all that pain. I learned that to go back to recovery I needed to look for options and to dare to try whatever I could find or whatsoever God and life sent me. And I searched and researched, most times pushed by seeing so many so hurt and so needing, and I certainly found many answers and possible ways to recovery that I shared and published in all ways I could, trying to reach’em all . But I was never satisfied due to I wanted to find that silver bullet that would heal all of us, in a “single shot;” and felt as if my puzzle was never finished, nor will ever be.. I couldn’t find the one cure or the one reason of such immeasurable disease. After walking all so many paths I learned that there are many ways and all of them work, instead of thinking these are not the one unique way; and I found all that is needed is a spark of light to start the healing process regardless of what it is and the time it might take. I learned healing is as long as it requires and time does not exist in the path of wellness. I learned to “See The Rose Behind The Thorn” and found I have so many roses in my garden it is the biggest and prettiest I ever imagined. Despite of being “disabled” I learned to have friends and to live a full life inserted in a community and a society, even though it was not the “world I used to live before”, and I learned to find myself and my new Me shinned through my own despair and disbelief. I learned the disease doesn’t say who I am but I find out that this disease taught me how to be a stronger me, because this diseases seems to be interminable and in that dimension I learned how to be me forever regardless any condition… and I am glad I had the opportunity to know the darkest, the deepest, the scariest, the worst, because I can easily know what is the shiniest, the lightest, the highest and the best; the disease did teach me and defined me and molded me into a new better me: the me that I was in the beginning, the me I turned into when I got busy in life, and the one that was born through enduring such an incredible experience and that can now is able to grow out of it and share it with others. I know there is a moment when it seems impossible to get out of the hole, especially when there is so much endless pain and fear, but the reality we all need to know is that it all will go away, any given day, it could be today or tomorrow, and this idea is one the sparkle of hope that can start that incredible change. I know that receiving proper medical care can make a good difference (my advice: don’t for get to take antiparasitics ;); and also having love and support can make the condition more supportable and livable, but many have this and still cannot get any better, and the ones that don’t have it blame the world for not giving them this support; but really this is not what will bring the cure. I found out that the one thing that will make it happen is when we start to understand that the disease came to us for a reason, and that by finding this reason the disease will go away whenever it is time for it to go away; and by not resisting to it anymore we might find more answers, and maybe even more help, and we will learn to do what we must do to accomplish our reason for being in this planet, living and experiencing this specific condition. You can feel your call through religion or whatever is that you call it, but I learned that God is in me regardless if I am this sick, and I have learned and told Him that He can do whatever he decides to do with me, and I agree for Him to do it, and by doing this I have released tons of weight trying to find answers, and meaning, and justice, and responses, and I have started my healing process where certainly I, finally, see the light! I just don’t care anymore if I am to live sick the rest of my life, of or if I die soon, or if I can finish or not what I have planned, all I have learned at the moment is that there is a good in all of this, a huge learning experience, a richness I got that makes me be me at this point and time in life, and I am not going to reverse anything I have lived, nor I want to erase any of those days I’ve had, regardless of the pain and fear. I’m here, plain and simple and happy, because I know the reason of it all and I am glad to be part of it! One of my biggest happiness is to be able to share it with so many, who are in the same boat, and wishing to bring some lights that can help them too, as I have found lights that have helped me so much in so many ways.
I don’t know how big the miracles have to be to be called “miracles” but even though I cannot say I am cured – yet- I know I have lived a miracle and I am part of a bigger purpose that has me here writing this; and all I hope is to continue to grow as a human being and as a spirit that has gone a long road, and had to pass through big bumps to get here or to go where ever I must go. I prayed for human GOODNESS and I have been able to witness it during this journey, much deeper and bigger than the one I could ever implored for in my “normal” days as a journalist covering the hardest toughest breaching news. I have now seen people helping people, who they have never met, praying for “friends” they have never seen personally, and sharing sincere love and bringing care for people in huge groups you don’t even know if they really exist. I now know we all are one, and we will one day be all united in one same cause and same universal love. I know I’m just on my way to recovery, on my path to universality, and on the road to be a better human being, but this gives me happiness because I can still get to walk more, to learn more, to recover more, to live more experiences and specially to share more; and instead of my usual rush I now learned I don’t need to get there but “to enjoy the travel”. I know I found my reasons, my gift, what I did wrong and right; and finally, I am starting my new path regardless if I still have this condition or not, I’m going to get there and will certainly do it! And I now know that my wish of us all getting better at the same time is real in the future, and I can see it from here, smiling of joy, knowing it is there, and will always be there, waiting for all of us to make the shift in our way and start walking into the path of recovery. LOVE YOU ALL!